a few words on why I did not have a library card until four hours ago

The year was 2008. I was recently unemployed and not dating anyone, choosing instead to spend my summer eating and reading. This meant that my library card was getting quite the workout (which is good, because I sure wasn't). I read everything: collections of short stories, Oryx and Crake (by that hack Margaret Atwood), and finally, Misery by Stephen King.

One afternoon, I decided to read about poor Paul Sheldon and his severed foot while I relaxed in the bath. I ran the tub, disrobed, and climbed in. Then I dropped the fucking book in the bathtub.

Frozen in shock, I watched as soapy bathwater breached the protective hardcover layer and seeped into the pages inside. When I fished the book out, it was too late. I alternated between blow-drying it to avoid mold and placing it under heavy weights in a vain attempt to avoid inevitable waterlogged expansion.

I was in a perpetual state of denial for the next few weeks, renewing the book on three separate occasions while I tried to restore it to its previous condition. I ironed over a hundred pages with my hair straightener. When these pages started falling out, I used a glue-gun to stick them back in. When hot glue got on the front cover, I broke a fingernail trying to peel it off. Eventually, I admitted defeat and returned this Frankenstein to the drop-off box. My library card expired. I never went back.

Flash-forward to 2012 and I am actually studying to become a library technician. (lolz; career-limiting irony!) Virtually all of my instructors are employed by Ottawa Public Library; in particular, my acquisitions teacher actually works at my branch. One day, during a lecture on the necessity of weeding one's collection, she mentioned the state of books in my local library back when she started working there, oh, say, three or four years ago. "You wouldn't believe what people do with their library books. I see things like food stains. Pen marks. Some of our books have clearly been dropped in the bathtub."

I swear she looked right at me.

Needless to say, my guilt has compounded over the course of the semester, but it turns out we need our library cards for class on Monday. So today I bit the bullet and went to another branch to renew my OPL card.

Having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card.

Ottawa Public Library fines: $22.00

Clear conscience: priceless.